In Memorium

A Parable of Immortality

"I am standing upon the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength, and I stand and watch until at last she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, 'There she goes!'

Gone where? Gone from my sight ... that is all. She is just as large in mast and hull and spar as she was when she left my side and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her. And just at the moment when someone at my side says, 'There she goes!' there are other eyes watching her coming and their voices ready to take up the glad shouts 'Here she comes!'"

~ by Henry Van Dyke ~

On this Memorial Day, I should like to pay tribute to some dear, dear friends; elves who have had a significant impact on my life and have recently gone on to the next phase of their eternal journey.

First, I was indeed fortunate to have have a class in Old Testament studies at Brigham Young University from the brilliant theologian and scholar, Robert J. Matthews.
He made the "boring" Old Testament come alive for me. His writings are always one of my first resources when I am seeking further insight on religious matters. I'm so glad I got to know him a little and become friends. One of my treasured possessions is one of his books (I'm holding said book in the picture) he signed for me. He passed away August 30, 2009.

On September 12, 2009, our very good friend, Diane Skewes
died suddenly in Nauvoo, Illinois. Diane was a no nonsense type of person who was always so good to me and Mrs. Santa Claus. she and her daughter Larissa were instrumental in getting me and Andrea (Mrs. Claus) together. Diane also designed and built Andrea's wedding dress. Life was never dull around her. We miss her humor and good will.

I love people who are generous with their time and talents. That type of generous spirit was
always present with my very good friend Margaret Poulson Barlow who left us January 12, 2010. As a singer it is not always easy to find a good accompanist, but I was fortunate in having access to Margaret. She played for me when I had singing engagements countless times. Margaret was tireless when it came to music. And, she certainly made it a lot easier to share my musical gift with others. She once hired me to direct a production of "Amahl and the Night Visitors". It was a joy to work closely with her on that project. I'm sure she's playing up a storm for everyone on the other side.

The beautiful mezz0-soprano voice Of Maryann Murdock Mendenhall

was stilled On February 21, 2010. I first met Maryann when she was the music director of a show called "Saturday's Warrior". After my move to California, she became one of my closest and dearest friends, a confidante, promoter, confessor, and surrogate mother. I can't think of enough wonderful things to say about this marvel of a woman. She was always positive with a knack for adventure and fun. People were truly drawn to her. We both shared April birthdays. I always looked forward to her call every year about that time when she would ask, "Joseph, what are we going to do to celebrate our birthdays this year?" I really miss that!


They must be putting on a musical up in Heaven where they needed two competent pianists. I mentioned Margaret Barlow who died in January, but another accompanist I've relied heavily on over the years is Ruth Bown.

She made her transition into the eternities on March 31, 2010. Ruth was always ready, sometimes at a moment's notice to take the piano bench to entertain, add to a church service, or help out a hapless singer in need of instrumental accompaniment. She was patient, unflappable, and kind when she worked with people. Whenever she played for me, she always made me sound better. Orsino's opening dialogue in Shakespeare's "Twelfth Night" begins with the exhortation, "If music be the food of love, play on." And, I'm sure Ruth is doing just that!

Friend, mentor, brother, buddy, supporter, listening ear are all words I would use to describe my pal, John Jackson Hess.He left us way too early having died of heart surgery complications on April 2, 2010. Johnny always had good words for me, encouraging me to do my best no matter what the situation. He really was a great comfort to me after my divorce from my first wife and the death of my mother. John took me under his wing. He was also like a walking party. You just felt better whenever he was around. His laugh was truly unforgettable. I'm so glad he has been a part of my life the past three decades.

The latest amongst my elf friends to sojourn to the other side was Joan Welch.

She suffered a heart attack April 29, 2010. Three days earlier, I had just had a fun visit with her at the Bishop's Storehouse. So, when I got the news it just seemed impossible. Joan didn't take herself too seriously. She had a great sense of humor, loved to laugh, and certainly knew how to have fun. She is sorely missed here in the circle of elves at the North Pole.

It's not easy to bid farewell to a friend you love. I miss all my dear elves that have gone on, and have a great hope in the fact I will yet see them again, and we'll just take up where we left off when I do!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Art Linkletter

Art Linkletter was perhaps one of the greatest ambassadors of good will the world has ever known. He was a real example of a life lived fully and joyously despite set backs and tragedies. His 74-year marriage to his wife Lois speaks to his loyalty and love of family and of his God. Linkletter, the host of "People Are Funny" and "House Party" of the 1950s and '60s died Wednesday, May 26, at his home in the Bel-Air section of Los Angeles. He was 97.
Art Linkletter, was a television pioneer with an infectious enthusiasm for life. He made millions of people laugh by getting kids to say the darndest things. He was also a crusader against garbage being broadcast over the airwaves, and once said of Jerry Springer, "Springer is the absolute bottom of the sewer. He goes looking for everything that's dysfunctional, crude, emotionally upsetting." Amen on that one, Art!
I had the honor of meeting Art and Lois Linkletter at a Christmas party in December 2006 at the home of Ambassador Glen Holden in Bel-Air. I was there in my capacity as Santa Claus. When he and Lois sat next to me for a picture, I said, "I've been a fan of yours for I don't want to tell you how long!" He came back with, "You weren't one of my kids (referring to his t.v. show), were you?" "No," I answered. He sighed, then replied, "Good!" That memory will always make me smile and chuckle a bit.
His son-in-law, Art Hershey said of him, "He lived a long, full, pure life, and the Lord had need for him." Would that all of us could have a similar epitaph when we depart this life! Rest in peace, Art. If anyone deserves a rest, it's you!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

The Main Course

I came across this quote by Eleanor Roosevelt in some of my readings: "Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others, you should put a good deal of thought into the happiness that you are able to give." It put me in mind of two favored elves of mine and Mrs. Claus, Cristina Velasco and Susie Acosta. These two wonderful elves are ever giving of themselves and spreading joy around. Folks are always drawn to them because of the great spirit they radiate.

On a whim, and just for the fun of it, they treated Mrs. Santa Claus and I to dinner. Well, I rarely turn down dinner invites. And trust me, the food was top notch at the restaurant they chose, but the very best part of the evening was not the food but being able to share in the company of these two very extraordinary ladies who are the very definition of friendship and generosity.

Cristina and Susie live full lives because they are willing to give themselves away. That is an important lesson for all of us to give of ourselves, not just money, but also of our time and talents.
Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Ring Cycle

"I can't just sit around and do nothing. Although, I can sit on the couch sometimes and just watch movies."
Brian Austin Green

Even here at the North Pole, Mrs. Santa Claus and I need some down time with just the two of us; no elves, reindeer, no anything, just us. We took some down time this week by breaking out the pop corn, DVD's and reacquainting ourselves with an heroic film making epic, "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy. I am personally grateful for Tolkien writing the book and for Peter Jackson's vision in bringing the work to the screen. Wow, talk about movie making at its very best! I had forgotten how really great the project was, and how it literally reaches out and grabs you by the emotional collar. The cinematography, the script, the acting, the musical score, special effects, etc. are all wonderfully incredible. Watching epic films like "The Lord of the Rings" trilogy, inspire me and make me want to do more with my life, to find ways to make it better.

So what do we take from this? Well, I think it definitely proves that watching movies is a good thing, and that eating pop corn and being a couch potato can have a positive effect on your life!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Elf Profile

Today is a special occasion for one my elves, Mary Ellen Reese-Loose. She holds the rank of MFNPE (Most Favored North Pole Elf). Life at the North Pole is certainly better whenever she's around, because she brings the gift of music to us. A multi-talented singer, composer, pianist, (and the list goes on,) Mary Ellen (ME to Me) is a life-long, dear friend whom we consider family. Things would definitely be drearier in the House of Santa without the influence of her kindness, generosity, and of course her music.

We wish Mary Ellen a very Happy HO, HO, HO birthday, with many more years of joy and fulfillment to come. Mary Ellen we are so very grateful for all you bring to our lives!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Friendly Persuasion

"A Friend is someone who knows the song in your heart, and sings it to you when you forget the words!"

I just lifted that quote from my good buddy, and one of my favorite elves, Mark Pamplin. I don't know where he got it, but it is one of the best descriptions of a friend I have ever come across.

How could any of us get through this life without friends? It is inconceivable. Whenever I start to feeling sorry for myself about not being as rich as I think I ought to be, I simply think of my friends, and realize that I am rich. In fact I am blessed with an embarrassment of riches. Those riches are the many good, wonderful, nurturing people that I have the privilege of calling "friend". They run the gamut of age, body type, political bent, and personal philosophy, but all are indispensable to me.

Everyone needs at least that one person who's not a family member who gets them. I admit to actually having more than one, like I said, I am very blessed. To list them all would be an impossible task for me. I love all of them and appreciate their impact on my life and the person that I am. So, kudos to all my pals, chums, mates, and buddies! You're the best!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Let Yourself Be Used

“When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave me.”--Erma Bombeck

Most of us are familiar with the parable of the talents in Matthew 25 of the New Testament. God is most pleased when we take what He gives and use it:

19 After a long time the lord of those servants cometh, and reckoneth with them.

20 And so he that had received five talents came and brought other five talents, saying, Lord, thou deliveredst unto me five talents: behold, I have gained beside them five talents more.

21 His lord said unto him, Well done, thou good and faithful servant: thou hast been faithful over a few things, I will make thee ruler over many things: enter thou into the joy of thy lord.

We have all been given gifts by our Creator, gifts to be used, not saved for a better time, or hoarded selfishly. I have been approached many times by people meaning to give me a compliment, or fishing for one for themselves, who say, "You are so talented. I wish I had talent." Actually those types of comments always make me sad for the person; not because he or she is not talented, but because they have gifts and talents they are negating and letting lie fallow.

Having talent is great. Not using it, and comparing your particular talent to another's is a pathetic waste. When you discover a talent in yourself, use it, hone it, and then share it! Many are under the unfortunate notion that talent only lies in the arts. If that were true, the world would indeed be a sad place. And, it would make The Deity capricious and less than divine.

Here's another thing; talents you wish to have can be developed through patient determination and tenacious hard work. The game belongs to those who take action, and not necessarily always the most talented. God gave you gifts to help you make a living, bless the lives of others, and to make a positive impact in this world whether large or small. so, get up off your duff and use up your talents. All of us are talented. Perish the thought of standing before your Maker with an armload of excuses instead of accomplishments.

Each of my elves has his or her own special gifts. Some are good at making toys, some administration, others taking care of reindeer, and some at motivating others, etc. The point is, each talent has its place and each is important for the successful running of things here at the North Pole. Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

The Pursuit of Excellence

My father sat me down one time when I was in college and said, "I don't care what you choose for a career. Sell peanuts if you want to, just be the best peanut seller there is." Dad has always been very smart, especially about every day matters.

The pursuit of excellence and the desire to progress is a divine spark the lies deep inside of us. There's a reason there's an MVP, a valedictorian, and first place ribbon winners. If I have to have a medical procedure I want the guy who was the top of his class to do it, not someone who just squeaked by.

That's what is so distasteful about political correctness; the attitude of nobody gets ahead until everybody else does. The mentality of everyone on the team getting a trophy just for showing up is ridiculous and only serves to stifle creativity and success, and most of all excellence. If the elves here at the North pole were not allowed freedom to use their own initiative and ingenuity, we'd be stuck in a time warp still manufacturing 19th century toys. The pursuit of excellence without government, corporate, or other hindrance is the only way for us to progress as a people and economically.

Anyhow, that's how Santa see's it!

Work, Work, Work!

Laziness may appear attractive, but work gives satisfaction.
Anne Frank

Work is definitely one of those four-letter words. I used to spend an awful lot of time and effort getting out of work. In fact it was almost more work getting out of work than to just get up and accomplish something.

When I was growing up I felt it was my divine right to live a life of leisure. My father constantly absolved me of that illusion. I thought it cruel and unusual punishment to have to make my way in the world by the sweat of my brow. Nevertheless, my dad made me work. He had his own business and I had to go to work with him whether I wanted to or not. Most of the time, it was the latter. It took me years to realize that my father was doing me the greatest favor of my life by making me learn to work and come to the actualization that food, money, a living, and leisure time were all things that had to be earned by working. I am now grateful for this life lesson he taught me.

I still have a pronounced lazy streak and I'll procrastinate work at times as long as possible. But in the end, the piper has to be paid either by working or by suffering the consequences of inactivity.

Work is a real blessing. I know for a fact if it weren't for mine and Mrs. Claus' efforts and the hard work of all the elves, everything here at the North Pole would collapse. Work is definitely what makes the world go round. That's why welfare, or enabling a person in sloth and inactivity is soul killing. You take a away a person's pride and nobility when you rob him of the incentive to work. You also eliminate magnification of talent and excellence. Taking away from the person who does work and is productive to continually indulge those ensconced in inactivity is indeed absurd and insane! As Benjamin Franklin said the best course is to make men uncomfortable in their poverty.

Lest you think now that Santa is being less than charitable here, let me say this; I do realize there are those who cannot help, or do for themselves and we of course must help to meet their needs. All of us needs a hand at some time in life, but a hand up when needed is oh so much better that just a hand out. Teaching a man to fish rather than just presenting him with one with no effort on his part, is by far more beneficial.

We all have varying levels of physical ability. Even so, we should always do that that we can. Few of us ever test the limits of our capabilities. So, my friends, work, persevere, get up up off of your duffs; your lives will be mush richer, fuller, and happier when you do.

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

The Shape of Things

It takes a lot of work to be be out of shape, yet I have manged it quite successfully. You just wake up one day and say, "Good grief! How did this ever happen to me?" It reminds of Scrooge's conversation with Marley's Ghost:

"You are fettered," said Scrooge, trembling. "Tell me why?"

"I wear the chain I forged in life," replied the Ghost. "I made it link by link, and yard by yard; I girded it on of my own free will, and of my own free will I wore it."

Only in my case Scrooge would ask, "You are fat and out of shape. Tell me why?"

"I wear the spare tire I forged in life. I made it Krispy Kreme by Krispy Kreme, and M&M by M&M. Of my own free will and couch potato ways, I wear it!"

(Ironically, I once asked a visiting relative how she'd ever gotten so fat, and got the snot beat out of me for my trouble by my mother.)

My own fat and out of shape saga happened over time because I have a raging sweet tooth and I have always found taking naps a lot more fun than exercising.

So, yesterday, I decided enough was enough, and I put on a pair of sweats and thought I'd do just a little exercising to get the ball rolling on my getting into shape. I walked down several flights of stairs to the reindeer pens with my knee creaking the whole time and then I turned around and walked back up to the suite of rooms I share with Mrs. Santa. By the time I reached the top floor again, I thought I was gonna' die. The way I was huffing puffing you would have thought I had just crossed the Sahara desert.

After I had rested and my heart rate went back to normal, I asked the missus what was on t.v. It was Paula Deen cooking with butter and lots of it. Paula is one of my idols. I was soon salivating like one of Pavlov's dogs. It was then that it hit me I had been staying in shape all along, for Santa Claus, that is! Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it! Someone pass me a bag of M&M's!

Sorry, my dance card is full!

"Shall we dance?" No thanks! The ability to glide across the dance floor has never been a part of my DNA. That, makes it especially strange that I would choose a performing career which included musical theater, because at some point in some show you are going to have to move to the music. I made many choreographers weep in the course of my musical theater career. I once played Buffalo Bill in a production of "Annie Get Your Gun". The choreographer for that show, the wonderful late Toni Kaye, was so frustrated with me, she threatened to kill me. She was not kidding. I did my due diligence to her dance steps by the time we opened. I still think I was more Buffalo than Bill unfortunately. One critic concurred and called me "grotesque".

I was fortunate in that I worked with several gracious actor counterparts who generously held me by the hand to help me get through the dance sequences in stage as well as film productions. I owe a deep debt of gratitude to the lovely and talented Carol Swarbrick, Marilyn Hickey Rhering, and Robin Gehr who helped me through dance numbers and made me look good. I've since made all three of them Honorary Elves at the North Pole. Hopefully they've all forgiven me by now for the crunched toes and bruised knees.

On one occasion, I was part of a production number for a big time charity event honoring Lana Turner. This time the choreographer was show biz legend, Debbie Reynolds. The routine was actually rather remedial, but I just couldn't get my brain to connect with my feet. In frustration, Debbie looked at me, shook her head, and putting her hands on her hips, said, "Shades of Eddie Fisher. He could never dance either!"

Maybe dance class was the answer. Alas, it wasn't. I tried tap and jazz, even a ballet class once. The ballet mistress did say I had good balance. The sad part; not only was I abysmal at the moves, I looked totally ridiculous. The dancing hippos in "Fantasia" definitely came to mind.

Tripping the light fantastic never really worked in everyday life for me either. I escorted Mrs. Santa Claus out onto the dance floor at one New Year's celebration. After a minute or two she said, "This really isn't working, dear." I agreed, and we gave it up as a bad job.

In college the only luck I had with dancing was bad luck. I was asked by a very nice co-ed who kind of liked me to a dance event called the Preference Ball. I accepted her invitation. When we arrived and I stepped out of the car to open the door for her, I slipped on the ice and landed right on my tail bone. The agonizing pain made it virtually impossible for me to dance though I did brave a couple of numbers with her. She had envisioned a romantic evening being whisked around the dance floor by an over sized Fred Astaire; instead she got Humpty Dumpty with a cracked tail bone. I hardly need to mention she never spoke to me again.

On another less than magical night at a college dance I had gone stag to, I perused the room and saw a lovely lass who was quite fair of face. Mind you, the room in which the dance was held was virtually pitch black. Anyway, I gallantly strode over to the young lady and asked for a dance. She then stuck out her arms and legs and I saw that she was a dwarf (or the more politically correct little person) she then asked, "Are you sure?" What was I going to say at that point, "Sorry shorty, there's no way in Hell's half-acre this is happening?" Instead I held out my hand to her and said, "I'm sure. Come on." So here I was at 6'6" dancing with a dwarf. I'm sure she felt as if she were dancing with Gargantua. After a couple of moments, the dark notwithstanding, every other couple in the room stopped dancing to look at us. As my stature challenged friend and I continued to rock out to the beat, I smiled, but in my head I was thinking, "Someone please kill me. Kill me now!" Like I said, bad luck.

I am still trying to discover where my talents actually lie, but I know for certain it isn't with dancing! Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

But y'are, Blanche, y'are!

"If you want to you, be you. If you want to be me, be me." So sang Cat Stevens in the infamous song that accompanied the 1971 movie,"Harold and Maude". I am pretty sure everyone of us goes through an identity crisis at one time or another in our lives. The trick is to decide and discover who you are, and then be comfortable in your own skin.

In my formative years, I was convinced I wanted to have a career in medicine, following in the footsteps of my uncle, a great doctor. When I got into college and began taking the classes that would put me on a path toward a life in medicine, I discovered I absolutely hated it! What I was drawn to, what I absolutely loved was the arts; performing, writing. I thrived in these areas. So, I changed my major from Biological Sciences to Mass Communications. I was much happier and I excelled there.

At the age of twenty-nine, I had to admit to myself that I loved being in front of an audience. It was then I began my acting career. Interesting how differently for good or ill we see ourselves as opposed to what others observe. All of my acting buddies kept telling me I'd make a great Santa Claus. Their assessments rankled me. I saw myself, or at least wanted to see myself as a swashbuckling, handsome, and well muscled character actor. As they say, "One out of three ain't bad!" Okay so I was just a character actor, alright?

I continued to resist being pigeon holed as Santa Claus. Then one day I had a shattering experience. I gazed at myself in the mirror after stepping out of the shower. The person who looked back at me was not swashbuckling, well-muscled, or handsome; he was however, Santa Claus. "#@**!!," I said. "I'm friggin' Santa Claus." Like it or not what was, was! "I don't want to be Santa Claus", I yelled at the mirror. Then I could hear in my mind, Bette Davis in "Whatever Happened to Baby Jane" as she shrieked, "But y'are, Blanche, y'are," at Joan Crawford. And, Gene Wilder's mantra from "Young Frankenstein", uttered during a nightmare, "Destiny, destiny, no escaping, not for me!" How did this happen? Don't know, but it did. So, I decided to embrace being the Jolly Old Elf.

I immediately became an Elf in Training. Before long, I took over the reins of Santa's sleigh at the North Pole, and my best friends became elves and reindeer. I finally knew who I was, and all was right with the world. Interestingly, I have run across children who have also mistaken me for Jesus. Talk about delusional! One kid even greeted me as Big Bird when I was at Disneyland! Really kid, Big Bird?

Knowing who you are and being, and accepting yourself are key elements to real happiness. Why do you think I'm always wishing everyone a "Happy Christmas"?

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Our Animal Friends

Animals in all their varieties are among God's best creations. We of course, love animals here at the North Pole. I mean, can you imagine Christmas without reindeer? Perish the thought. I, as Santa, would certainly not be able to do my work without them. There is a real nobility in animals, and they add a wonderful dimension to our lives. Of course there are the special ones, our pets that become part of the family. A few years ago, Mrs. Claus and I inherited a cat from a relative. His name was Ferdinand. We called him Ferdie.
Ferdie took to me for some reason, and after a time, he became my cat. He felt like our bed was his own personal domain. In 2001, I had major skin cancer surgery on my face. When I arrived home from the hospital, my entire face was bandaged and I looked like Hannibal Lecter. I got on the bed. As soon as I did, Ferdie climbed on top of me and came up to my face. After a close examination, he turned around and sat back on his haunches as if he was taking on the role of my protector. It was just a small thing, but truly unforgettable; like a friend taking your hand when you are down. He was quite clever as well. He once snatched a chicken drum stick out of my hand and ran off with it; wasn't about to give it back either. I had to give him points for initiative. Ferdie lived to be twenty-two. We only had him for seven of those years, and in that time he had definitely made himself a part of the family. His last two months, he had no quality of life. We felt we owed it to him be be merciful. I held him as he was put to sleep. It was hard to say "goodbye", but we know he is now in a place where he does have quality of life again. We know also we will get to see him again when we also transition from this life.
Why do I bring this up? Well you see, one of my favorite elfs, Paty Lombard is now in the White Mountains in Arizona, with her beloved dog, Eddie Spaghetti. Unfortunately, Eddie's
life is winding down as he is gravely ill. This particular blog is to pay homage to Eddie and Paty and the bond between them. As she bids Eddie farewell, we offer her our love, sympathy, and prayers. We smile as we contemplate Eddie and Ferdie romping around together in a place where they are safe, well, and happy, and awaiting the time when they will be reunited with us! Vaya con Dios, Eddie.

Thank God for animals! Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Days of Our Lives

"Time keeps on slippin', slippin', into the future!" Marjorie Pay Hinckley said, "The trick is to enjoy life. Don't wish away your days, waiting for better ones ahead." I love to day dream on occasion. I find myself musing on how happy I will be when Christmas rolls around, or what a great day it will be when my ship comes in. There really is nothing wrong with flights of fancy as long as we remember to live in the moment; if you want to be New Agey about it, you could say something nauseous making like, "Be with the moment."

Wallowing in the past, longing for the good ol' days, or kicking ourselves for something stupid we did before, is a total waste of time, is counter productive and only serves to taint your present days. Leave the past in the past, and the future to the future. As Doris Day sang, "Que sera, sera. Whatever will be, will be. The future's not ours to see." If we're are not present in the present, we have no life and rob ourselves of happiness and the opportunity to grow.

We all have good days and bad days. The trick is to keep on keepin' on by living each moment we are given as joyously as possible, no matter what. I am quite sure what I have said will come back to haunt me as the elves and reindeer will doubtless remind of it when I'm swearing at heavy traffic on Christmas Eve trying to make my deliveries.

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Santa and Weighty Matters

Would you ever trust a Santa Claus who wasn't at least a few pounds over weight? I sure wouldn't. I ran into a bell ringer Santa once on a street corner in downtown Los Angeles. At first I thought he was with the Salvation Army, but as I got closer, noticed he was just ringing his own bell for his own benefit. He was very nearly swallowed up by his filthy Santa suit which hung on him like rags on a skeleton. This pseudo Salvation Army Santa was also smoking a cigarette. "You have got to be the skinniest Santa I've ever seen," I said. He answered, "It must be the crack man." I rest my case.

It is really politically incorrect to carry any weight around these days what with everybody from the First Lady on down dictating what we should be eating. The rules seem to be if it tastes like crap, it's good for you. If it tastes good, it's going to kill you. Why bother eating if all you can eat are twigs, bark, garbanzo beans, rubbery raw fish , or vegan pretzels that taste like vomit?

Thankfully, we at the North Pole favor food with actual flavor. You see, we take the Good Lord at His word when He said, "Eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight in fatness." Of course, if you don't believe in God, I'm happy for you to have my share of egg plant, okra, and tofurkey!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Technology is a Byte

It is nigh on to impossible to survive without technology these days. Especially if you want to stay one step ahead of the elves. Recently, I purchased a new cell phone. My old one stubbornly refused to work correctly anymore. Normally I would have an elf take care of purchasing the phone for me, but decided to brave it myself. That was my first mistake. The second was deluding myself into thinking I would easily to complete the transaction over the phone. I think when I called the 800 number, the destination was Pakistan, because the sales agent sounded like Indira Gandhi on steroids. I only understood every other word. "How can I be of service," she intoned. "I would like buy a new cell phone," I replied.

"Sir, let me tell you about our new line of life management mobiles."

"Just a cell phone please!" Ignoring me she trudged on and told me about blackberrys, cameras, megabytes and gigabytes.

"I had a case of megabytes once," I said trying to inject some humor, "it was really unpleasant!" My attempt at humor was lost on her. "Excuse, me," she demanded.

"I just want a cell phone so I can make calls!"

"With the 2001i you can not only make calls, you can text, and also interface with your Twitter and Facebook, and take pictures."

"I have elves for all that." She had no response to any of my humorous interjections. "Is it against the law to laugh where you live?"

"I don't understand, sir."

"Neither do I. It's all Greek to me!"

"I'm sure you could use your device in Greece if you wanted to." Sigh...

"So, can I make calls on the 2001i?

"Yes."

"Good. Here's my card number. Wrap the **!!## thing up and send it!"

It's no mean feat to make Santa swear, but she succeeded! Megabytes indeed!

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Happy Mother's Day

I've been called a real mother a time or two in my life, but never in conjunction with Mother's Day! Loving mothers represent all that is good and decent about life in this world. Initial care givers in our formative years, our mothers literally set all of us on our life's path. As they say, "The hand that rocks the cradle, rules the world."



We are all sometimes mothered by sisters, aunts, cousins, nieces,
grandmothers, great grandmothers, teachers, friends,
mothers-in-law, stepmothers and others.

On this Mother's Day, Santa would like to give a big hats off to all the caring, loving, grande dames in his life who have nurtured him physically, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. And of course a huge hats off to Mrs. Claus (aka Andrea Steele), who keeps me going on the straight and narrow, and probably deserves better!
Happy Ho Ho Mother's Day from the North Pole!
Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Random Acts of Kindness

Nothing takes you out of yourself like doing something for someone else. In fact, I believe service to others is essential to our lives if we truly wish to be happy. Yes, having money is nice, recreation and play is important, but none of these things actually have the ability to make you happy. Service to others, truly giving of yourself; charity for others if you will, in my view is the very foundation of true happiness. Some time back, as I sat in the Grove Santa House in my capacity as the Jolly Old Elf, a group of special needs folks and their care givers approached the Santa House. I motioned for them to come in, but they refused. I sent one of the elves to find out what was going on . It seems they wanted to actually come in, but assumed they had to pay to see Santa. We assured them visiting with Santa was free and that cost was only involved if they chose to buy a picture.

One of our customers, who had just gotten a picture, observed all of this unfolding. He then went to the register and handed the elf manning it his American Express card, with instructions that every last one of the special needs persons was to have a picture with Santa as his gift. That was no small thing, as the cost was in excess of five-hundred dollars. This man’s random act of kindness so moved us, we all fought to keep tears back while the pictures were taken. I am sure God smiled on the Grove Santa House a little that day.

Charity always begins at home. Occasionally, my elves will surprise me with a random act of kindness, like last evening. Two of my head elves, Nathan Watts and Matthew Knowles, knowing I have been a bit down in the dumps lately (yes even Santa isn't always jolly 24/7), stuck a candle in a piece of apple pie and sang “Happy Birthday” to me. It certainly cheered me up and put me in a much more positive frame of mind. Their kind consideration in that one little act is something I will never forget.

Another of my head elves, Shane Waller, saw that Mrs. Santa had a need and installed a shelf for her in the laundry. she considers Shane her hero for doing that!

Kindness always pays you dividends. Mrs. Santa Claus and I like to go out once in a while. Of course, we have to do so incognito. These outings usually involve ice cream, since my Indian name is Dances With Thirty-one Flavors. In fact, we frequent the nearby corporate headquarters 31 Flavors store. It has a drive-thru. How decadent is that? Anyway on one of our gotta’-have-some-ice cream outings to the drive-thru we noticed a woman who had been waiting a while to turn left into the 31 Flavors. As we approached from the opposite direction, I thought it only fair to let her go ahead of me, and did so. When we approached the window to pay, the server said, “No charge. The person ahead of you paid for yours already.” Now I'm not saying each time you are considerate of another person, you will get free ice cream, but you never know!

We all need to be givers and recipients of kindness. Find some way each day to give yourself away. It doesn’t have to be anything big, in fact as it says in scripture, “…by small means are great things brought to pass.” Expressing yourself through charity and kindness will not only make you happier, it will make the world a better place as well.

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!

Laughter: the Best Medicine

Years ago, when I was an Elf-in-Training, I had occasion to meet and become friends with the great humorist and author, Erma Bombeck. Among the things she said to me on our first meeting was, “I never met a laugher I didn’t like!” Laughter is a great panacea for so many things. It is not only emotionally and mentally, but physically beneficial as well. So take time out of your day to throw your head back and roar, snort, and guffaw. I guarantee you’ll feel better when you do. Things certainly are rosier at the North Pole when there’s lots of laughter going around. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Anyhow, that's how Santa see's it!