Roll Out the Bellows

Accordion-- An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin. Ambrose Bierce

The accordion is a much maligned instrument, right up there with bagpipes and the kazoo. I'm reminded of the Gary Larson cartoon where the top half people arriving in Heaven were given harps and the bottom half, those consigned to Hell were given an accordion.

We accordionists are certainly our own breed. A good friend of mine was once asked to play his accordion in church of all things. He ended up playing The Beer Barrel Polka as it was only one of two songs he knew. I will always love him for that. I think he made God chuckle a little that day. (By the way, he wasn't asked to play in church again!) My odyssey with accordion began when I was just eight. A mere Santa in Training as it were. I belonged to a church group for kids called Primary. In the summer we met during the week in the morning. My Primary class went on a field trip one summer morning in which we ended up at the Dairy Queen for treats. We were all given Dilly Bars. If you ever got one which said FREE in big red letters, you got a second Dilly Bar at no charge. Well I got the "Free" stick that day. To make it doubly exciting, our teacher threw in eight free accordion lessons as well. That would start me on a life-long relationship with the "Squeeze Box". When I got home and shared the news with my mother, she was less than enthused, and if she had had a handgun at the time, I believe she would have aimed and fired at my baby picture.

In the late 90's, my ability to play the accordion along with my red hair, won me a spot on the 1998 Coca-Cola Super Bowl commercial. They shot my segment of the commercial out in the Ahmanson Ranch west of Los Angeles. It was a freezing cold torrential rainy December day. My fingers were so numb, I could barely play, and my teeth were on the edge of chattering. I didn't mind though, 'cause I was going to be on the Super Bowl in a Coke ad! Dollar signs were dancing all through my head. Well, I made a little money off of it, but it ended up being the lowest rated ad in Super Bowl history, and only played that day. Sigh!

My first union (Actors Equity) stage show in my acting career was an adaptation of Charles Dickens', A Christmas Carol. I portrayed the Ghost of Christmas Present. Now, being that I'm 6'6", I have always considered myself at least somewhat larger than life. But, they really wanted me larger than life in this production. So, I had to traipse about the stage with my feet attached to 18 in. railroad ties, which made me 8 ft. tall! You'd think that would be challenge enough; but like the Ginsu Knives, there was more. I had to learn to play the distant cousin of the accordion, the concertina, and play it whilst I strode about the stage on those railroad ties! (My great-grandmother played the concertina in a band. Must be in the blood!) By the way while I was learning to play said concertina, the director told me I sounded like a caroler from Hell!

In another show, I had to play my accordion as accompaniment to another actor's singing whose ability to stay on pitch was somewhat suspect. Coupled with my 100-plus year-old accordion which itself is somewhat out of tune; let's just say, some nights it was more a cacophony than music. The director often came to our dressing room and sarcastically quipped, "Nice Schoenberg tonight, boys!" (Schoenberg was a classical composer who was famous for his butt-ugly atonal pieces).

Once years ago, my neighbors, who were a very lovely couple, came and asked me to play my accordion at their wedding. I asked, "This is a joke right?" They assured me that it wasn't. So, a few weeks later I found myself perched on a rock by a babbling brook, just outside of Santa Barbara, playing Lady of Spain on my old out of tune accordion while the couple approached the rock and were married by some new age type minister from Our Lady of Cosmic Awareness, or something like that. He started the ceremony by saying, "No man can marry you. No woman can marry you. Only you can marry yourselves." My first thought was, "You've got to be kidding me!" But after considering for a moment, I said to myself, "Actually, you and your accordion fit right in!"

Unfortunately, I've grown quite rusty on the old squeeze box. But, last week, I was asked to haul it out again to play for some wee elves at an elementary school. (So, I had to put in quite a bit of practice time just to get simple melodies right). Their teachers wanted to give the kids a taste of what life was like for pioneers crossing the Prairie in the mid-nineteenth century, and what they did for entertainment on the trail. So while I squeaked and squawked a couple of old time tunes out for them and explained the workings of the instrument, I merely elucidated a big fat yawn from the poor kids who were bored beyond belief!

So, while I have had a somewhat rocky relationship with bellows-driven musical instruments, whenever I do pick up my accordion now and then, it's like getting reacquainted with an old friend. Plus it's a lot of fun. And, I do enjoy playing Jolly Old St. Nicholas and Silent Night for Mrs. Claus during the Christmas Season.

Anyhow, that's how Santa sees it!